If you haven't read the last two posts, please scroll down and do so...
It will make more sense.Do you remember that nursery rhyme?
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead;
When she was good, she was very, very good,
And when she was bad she was horrid.
When I think of my daughter now, it's hard to imagine what life must have been like inside her head. I said I knew 3 of her...
One was so loving with such a funny sense of humor. A hard worker and with a sense of moral values. She'll do anything she can and give anything she has if she knew it would help someone. Her family was important and she loved her mom. This is the one who, if she did something she knew wasn't right, or hurt someones feelings, she'd make them a card saying how sorry she was and she'd try harder to be good.
Then the ultra religious one. As she got older, this one wouldn't leave the house without a Bible..even to go check the mail. If I was taking her somewhere with me and she'd forgotten her Bible, I had to go back to get it, no matter how close we were to where we were going. She would turn any pictures in frames around, even nic naks saying they were idols and evil. It was an obsession. Also something that got her through some hard places.
The other one I knew was....how do I say my daughter was evil? But that's what I know of the other one. Pure hateful, cruel and evil. Sadly, this is the one who came out more and more as Lori got older.
I need to finish this and to do that, I will have to skip through the years. From the time she came back home at 16, then left again, there were drug overdoses, theft charges, jail time and living on the streets. Calls from the sheriff's office telling me of prostitution charges, gang affiliation, and so many other awful things. I never really knew where she was when these things happened. But in between, there were calls telling me she was ok and how much she loves me. And the rare times she would just stop in to see everyone...
There were also State Prison terms..two of them.
Then all the attempts at ending her life. I wondered which one was in control during these times...the evil one, or one of the others trying to just put a stop to all the madness. There were so many times she almost succeeded. From the drug overdoses, to jumping out in front of a car going down the street, jumping off a train, getting beat up so bad by some boyfriend that she ended up in the hospital, and just laying down in the middle of the road waiting for a car to run over her. There are many more that I would rather not know...My heart hurts so much thinking of all she went through.
I wrote quite a bit more here, then the power went out. Now it's back on and I've lost what I shared...must have been between the saving modes..
And I probably don't need to go on anymore. There will be other times when a memory will get me back here posting about my daughter. But I need to share this.....
Two years ago today about an hour after I got home from work, the town Marshall came to my door. He'd been here before with bad news about something Lori had done. So when he said he had some bad news about her, I just asked what she'd done this time...
And I can't share anymore today
One thing I've learned is that life goes on...
Thanks for taking the time to stay and read this.
Till next time....Hold your babies close...
17 comments:
Vicki. Oh my sweet, suffering, sad, wonderful, caring lady. I have no words of consolation for you. Just words of prayer and hope and grace that your soul can find some peace in the puzzlement of this terrible, terrible tragedy. If you close your eyes you will feel the prayers I am sending to you right now...that will wrap around you in some small comfort and warmth against this sadness and darkness.
Oh, I am so sorry. How you have suffered! Such a sad, sad ending for a wonderful woman. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Mary
The pain that you have gone through and are still going through is unimaginable. I like to think that your beautiful and tortured daughter is now at peace. No more demons follow her and she is watching over her family with love.
You have lived a parent's worst nightmare and are still experiencing it - my heart goes out to you.
Sue
Oh god Vicki I had no idea? I'm so sorry you had to go through this sweetheart and the suffering still continues. I'm with you right now holding you and wiping your tears my heart aches for you right now. How sad the torture of the mind can be but in some cases like this no medication can help and no love can stop it. I've known many tortured souls in my life and many do well with meds but so many can not be saved. It's no ones fault but the fact remains you loved this dear child and know you did all you could have done to save her. I'm praying for you and your kids and grandkids and the rest of your family because it affects all. Love to you dear lady, Pearl
Thank you everyone for your love...
I feel she's in a better place now and doesn't have to go through it all anymore. And time eases the pain, this I know from experience. So on to a new day full of the good things in life..I know they exist.
Vicki
Thank you for always leaving a suprise (post) on my blog. It makes it so much more worthwhile.
And I heard Nate Burkus say on Oprah yesterday that an anniversary of a death is just another day. Not to put too much importance on the date, this way it's so much easier to deal with it. The date doesn't have the power, the memories do.
I found that incredibly helpful. I remember being anxious about an approaching anniversary that was painful, but I'll think of this the next time that date or dates roll around.
Maybe this will help you? I do hope so.
In any case, I wish you peace.
Hugs,
Ruth
It helps...and as the years pass it will be easier. Thanks for caring Ruth. I'll watch for your post
Vicki did I tell you that you and your daughter are twins? Like you need to be told that for the umpteenth time :) It's uncanny how much you look alike. So beautiful you to are!
Blessings, Pearl
Oh Vivki, I am very sorry. They say those special children are given to those who can love them..in spite ..of what they;ve done, who they've become and love them deeply. She is now perfect - one single person - with God and within His arms..
I'm so sorry you had to go through this and yet feel honored that you chose to share this with us..
Vicki,
I have been away for a week and just read your posts, I am SO SO sorry!! My heart goes out to you and cannot even imagine how yours must hurt. You and your family are in my prayers sweet friend.
hugs ♥ Teresa
I'm a new reader coming over from Colleen's blog. There's no way I can say how heartbroken I feel for your daughter and for your family as I've known others who have had this happen. Life has no explanations, sometimes. It is terribly hard for each of us in so many different ways. Your daughter is loved as you are. May God bless you each day through this.
i'm so sorry for your loss. not just her death but the loss of the daughter you once had. may you find the peace you need. my prayers are with you!
so sorry to hear about your daughter. In some ways, we are very much alike. I struggle with my son on a daily basis. I didn't bring him up that way, and at first blamed myself for the thefts, the police record, the drug abuse that he has struggled with since he was around 12. Knowing that at 17 he's already done shrooms and coke is scary-and stolen to support his marijuana habit, not just from us, but from other people as well. The anguish I had when I had to go to court to be with him as he faced multiple felony charges...the fear I felt when I made him angry and he said he was going to kill me and burn the house down, and the sadness that he is now a teen parent, with another one on the way. I struggle to remember the sweet little boy I raised, the one that would hold my hand and tell me how beautiful I was. I glance at old photo albums and cry, wondering where that child went. I worry about what life will be like for him, as he struggles to complete school and continues with his drug habit, knowing that at any time his probation officer could put him away until he is 21. Sometimes, I feel that is where he should be, to save him from himself. I don't want to call him evil, yet there is a part of him that is-and in my heart I know he struggles with those demons on a daily basis but they often overcome him and he feels powerless. One day, my son may follow the same path as your daughter. It's not easy, but I realize that. Vicki, your daughter was beautiful, remember the good things she did, and take solace in knowing that she is finally at peace, however heartbreaking it may be.
Oh Jake! I'm reaching across all the miles between us with thoughts and prayers for strength and peace.
I am so incredibly sorry!!!
I don't even know the right words to say. Everything that passes through my mind seems so trite.
I grieve for your loss of Lori and for your loss of a young daughter with sass and a mischievous smile.
I grieve for dreams unfulfilled and opportunities lost, both yours for Lori and Lori's for herself.
I read back to the beginning of your blog and found the high level story about Kevin's death. I think of you: funny, smart, creative, loving ...and my jaw is dropped open, my eyes wide with wonder, my brain almost numb from overload -
What is the secret to survival?
How do you find the strength to share so that someone else may understand that they aren't alone in their struggles?
How do you plant roots and flourish like you have in the face of all you've dealt with?
You are one of my heroes and I don't have many.
YOU. ARE. AMAZING!
Not only your daughter Lori, but you lost a son Kevin too.
My heart aches for you Vicki.
i'm so sorry.
I poke in here every now and again and was so moved and saddened by your post that I had to comment. I am so very sorry for your loss, you have traveled a rough road and are so brave to share your story. I hope that you will find the peace your daughter now has, comfort knowing she is in a better place. God bless, sending hugs....
Dee
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